My Life Re-written

I know I’m writing this on the internet and people will judge and I will face criticism, I know all that. But, I’m also just starting out and for reasons that will become apparent, I would like to maintain my anonymity for as long as I can.

So, for the purpose of this blog I’ll be known as Lidia, hello.

I never thought I’d tell this story out loud. Let alone write it, but here I am, healing in the only way I know how.

So, to get on the mindset you will need to accompany me through this story I need you to think to when you were the most happy, no problems, no relationships, no adult life, or maybe yes (for most people this is always childhood). When everything you had in your head was how happy your future was going to be. What do you picture?

For me that’s my child/teenager self. I would find comfort in books and in writing, yeap, I’m that kid. The Dear Diary one, were I would confess my inner most thoughts and talked about my days, or how I called them “my adventures or drama”, that now I know I would create to feed my inner desire to live another’s story.

And I loved to read, the fantasy ones were the ones that fascinated me the most, I was the kind of kid that would have her head in the clouds about a Disney prince but also about possibly having a fate like Sakura card captors and magical things happening to me (can’t deny that sometimes I still feel this way). Of course growing up I soon discovered the naughty little novels that I had to hide from my mom but to be honest I think they helped formed me, at least parts of me.

Whether it was reality or fantasy I always came back to writing, because these worlds, these books gave me a capacity of exploring my mind, so everything that went to my head was in those diaries, I questioned my feelings but always found happiness and writings always helped, writing has always been healing for me, and probably most who read it are thinking, “you could write for yourself, not for the whole internet to see” and I would agree with you, but know I’m writing not only for me but with a purpose, the hope that my story helps anyone heal to.

What I’m about to share with whoever reads this is really deep, heavy and meaningful stuff. For me it’s draining me emotionally just thinking about everything I’m about to write, it’s going to be an explosion of feelings and a path to discover joy in my life. So please let this be your trigger warning.

Another thing I have to explain before we dwell in this story is why I’m doing this now.

This month is my 42th birthday and I think is the perfect time to let this go and finally accept that I deserve to be happy no matter what I’ve been through, and besides my amazing therapist told me to try and gain a positive from my bad experience and there’s nothing more rewarding and more positive than helping someone else. And if what I’m about to share touches at least one heart and soul I’ll be happy.

The past: A quick recap

Ok, if you’ve come this far, it’s time to tell you the heart of this story. I’m not going to drag you reading stories and stories without knowing the theme subject, for me at least it’s a turnoff, I don’t read a book if I don’t know what’s about.

I’m a child SA survivor. You know i never thought the word survivor was correct for victims of sexual abuse because not all of the SA ends in fatality, but now I get it. Either the abuser kills you or your mind does if you don’t work on it and try to heal, either way now I consider myself a survivor.

The coming stories I’m going to plaster in this blog are going to revolve around how this affected my life, how this led me to a path of drugs, sex, suicide attempts and utter unhappiness and disgust with my life, to actually thinking I don’t deserve happiness

I’ve come to a point in my life that analyzing everything I’ve done has led me to a road of self-discovery, intense emotions and emerging on the other side healed and stronger than ever, which is why I’ve named this blog, My life, rewritten.

My Turning Point

While reading my posts of stories or whatever, you’re probably going to be thinking low of me, just bear in mind that I regret everything and being that person was not making me happy.

But I have emerge on the other side and found happiness, I started this journey a couple of years ago feeling unhappy and this is the culmination of these journey.

And since this is going to be a slow process I can just tell you my secret to forgiveness and happiness now, instead of waiting to what I hope would be my last post.

I don’t have a magic wand, I didn’t found nirvana or a cult or a book and I’m not selling anything

The magic cure I found for all the problems I had (that I’ll be describing in my coming posts), was love, I don’t want to be a Potter-Head, but it was.

The Love my mom has for me is more than I would ever think I deserved. The love of my husband, a man that saw my darkness but saw that my light shines brighter, and even thou the bad parts were really bad he stayed with me and choose me. And finally the love of my kids, they truly saved me.

So I guess J.K. Rowling was right, love is the stronger force in the universe.

TODAY

A couple of years ago I started going through a phase, my shrink called it a “Middle Age Crisis”. I started having moments where I didn’t feel happy. Which is insane! Right?

I have a great job, a great family, great friends, health, money problems like everyone but an incredible support, why am I questioning this?

So I did what I thought was more sane and went to therapy. She is amazing and we got everything out and I think I solved everything that I was feeling in 4 sessions.

I talked with whoever I had to talk and as soon as I aired all of my feelings and said what I had to say to who I had to say it I have been feeling lighter, I have been feeling happier and focused.

Focused on bringing up my children as well balanced and decent human beings, on growing my business, on helping my husband grow his, concentrate on my family life and the type of future I want to create with them and working towards it.